TwoBit's version of THE TALK
by ParzivalHallows
Summary: In the book, it mentions Two-Bit giving ponyboy a lecture of girls and Ponyboy wanting to crawl under the floorboards and die...here's that fateful talk that he gave Ponyboy. M JUST IN CASE.


Oh God. This couldn't be happening. This could NOT be happening. I glanced around the small dark room for a way out as Two-Bit staggered around, a drink in his hand. Frustrated that I could barely see to save my life, I looked over at Two-Bit. His sideburns seemed longer and rustier than usual, something that always happens when he's drunk. Whether it's just because people perceptions of him change when he's buzzed, or because there's some freaky paranormal activity going on in his hair, I still wasn't sure.

All I knew now was that I had to get out of here. And fast.

My breathing sped up as I remembered the whole reason I was even in here.

"_Come on Pony." Said Two-Bit, "It's just a drink." _

_I stared at the bottle warily, as though it were about to pull a gun and shoot me. _Which, _I thought, _would probably come true when my oldest brother found out.

"_I – I don't know Two-Bit. You know how Darry gets." I said. _

"_Darry-Shmary." Two-Bit snorted, from the way his words slurred I could tell he was wasted. _

"_Come on kid, it's just a drink. One drink can't hurt ya." _

_I glanced back up at the drink; it seemed to be laughing at me as I wrapped my hand around it…_

I forget exactly what happened after that, just a bunch of junk about dancing on top of tables, and, for some unfathomable reason, shitting in Tim's drink and then him drinking it. I had thought it hilarious, now I find it revolting.

_I looked around with a stupid grin on my face. I couldn't help it, it felt frozen that way. _WOOAHH ! _I looked over at the two blondes that were sitting in the corner. Blondes…hmm. Two-Bit's favorite. I knew that I had to get to them before he did, just to see the shocked and hurt expression on his face that he didn't get there sooner. _

_As I started to walk towards them, the ground jumped up. I staggered a bit. That was weird; I thought the ground couldn't even walk, much less jump. I started to walk forward again, but this time the ground shifted sideways. Goddamit! This ground was playing tricks on me – I just knew it! I glared at it, daring it to make another smart-Alec move. It didn't seem like it would do anything more, so I took another step, the whole time staring at the pavement beneath me. Nothing. I took another step. Still, nothing. One more step. Zip, Nada nothing. I smiled smugly and lifted my head up, closed my eyes, and walked foreword as though I owned the world. Apparently, the world didn't like its new owner, for it tipped me over. _Alright, _I had thought, _this is the last straw! _And with that I started crawling towards the girls. When I reached their chairs, I jumped up and put an arm around each one's shoulder. They were about 16, 17 at most; and dead drunk. They looked at me, their eyes hungry. And not for food. _

………_.._That's when it all went wrong.

Two-Bit had lovely timing, did I ever mention that?

"_Hey Pony watcha…WOAH!" Two-Bit pulled the one girl off of me, who had tackled me onto the counter, and had to actually drag the other girl by her hair off me before she got my pants fully unbuttoned. "GET OVER HERE." He growled at me, then shoved my head into a water basin. That sobered me up real fast. I then realized what was going on. Uh oh. Two-Bit pulled me into a small room, getting ready to make possibly the most horrid speech ever known to man. _

"Alright Boypony." He slurred, "I know you're in heat or whatever…" he staggered a bit, and swung his arm around in the air in a desperate attempt to grab on to it. He failed.

"But." He continued from his spot on the floor. "You can't just…do it unprotected." He sighed, and his eyes seemed to glaze over. I knew that look. This was not going to be pleasant.

"I remember the first time I had sex." I felt my cheeks flush.

"Damn she was a looker, I was twelve at the moment, and whenever I saw her in school, my little buddy would always try to say hi to her. It was kinda embarrassing at first, 'cause he didn't wanna seem to stay in my pants, but I realized she liked it then.

That night was the best time of my life…well not really cause we were both new at this and she had no clue what to do, it just came by instinct. Now she was a viel…or wait. No I think it's called a virgin." I knew what a virgin was, but he went on to explain it anyways,

"It's when you never know the glory of getting laid, and your vag is as tight as a nuns. Which," he added, "are actually quite good in bed."

My ears were turning beat red by this time, and my heart was thudding so hard I was almost certain it would try to jump out of my chest.

"But anywho; when your doin' a virgin, make sure you cover up your friend with that rubber thinger, otherwise you'll get blood all over your friend, which he doesn't really like, and also she doesn't need to get pregnant. I made that mistake once…um…twice. Trust me, you don't want some stupid whore's dad coming after you with a .25."

"Uhhh Two-Bit."

"Oh I remember the one girl I was doing, she was a blonde," he added. Of course she was. "She's was really good at moanin' and boy did she---." He went on in this fashion for about an hour, ignoring my sickened face and yells of "TWO-BIT EW!" Finally, I lost my cool. I went up to him, and punched him square in the jaw. I didn't mean to do it that hard, but he passed out. Actually, it could have been with the help of all the alcohol he consumed too.

I called Darry and he picked me up, He didn't seem to care that I had just gone through torture with Two-Bit, and when he heard about the two girls, he decided that perhaps I would need the same lecture twice….

Never underestimate the power women, and when you're hormones start playing with you, always be prepared to get the worst version possible of 'The Talk'. Or at least, if you're a greaser…


End file.
